Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize