i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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