Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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