I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
