12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
