my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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