i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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