my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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