everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
