Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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