First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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