god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
