He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize