I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
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