It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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