your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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