it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
