Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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