dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
The air taste purple.
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