i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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