Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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