Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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