I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
