There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
