I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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