I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I have already put on my inside pants.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
