and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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