I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
