what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
