so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize