The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize