tonight lets celebrate not being married
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
