You made me cry and you don't even care
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
