i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
