I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
