last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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