he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
