his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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