my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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