Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
only you would photoshop your dick
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
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