so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
