you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
