I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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