I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
