Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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