Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
