What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
