he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
