I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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