You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
