When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Randomize
