I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
