I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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