She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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