how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
