Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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