I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
