Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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