i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
